Retire the Prarie Star!!!

Before I get some hate emails. This is satire. As you may have heard, the symbol of the Fighting Illini, Chief Illiniwek will dance his last dance this Wednesday. As a member of the Illini Alumni, I'll be wearing black and remembering the pride I felt when I saw the Chief represent our school with pride and honor. This is not the place to debate the Chief, so I won't. As a student here today, I have a much bigger fish to fry.

The Prarie Star must go. After a conversation with my good friend in Stellar Cartography, Jeff Skywalker ("Jeff" kindly asked me to keep his name private, so out of respect for him, I changed his name), he told me that the graphic misrepresentation of the Prarie Star is offensive to other stars in our Universe. He's right. He's SO RIGHT. With that said, I decided to take some action and see for myself whether or not this Prarie Star is indeed a safe mascot for UIS.

I only have one picture, and when I saw it... I saw the monstrosity, and my heart cried out for VENGEANCE!

WHY ARE YOU MAKING THE LITTLE GIRLS CRY!!!

UIS, do you want this symbol of fear representing your school? I knew you'd feel the same way, so I decided to come up with alternative logos for our school. Please enjoy.


Exhibit 1: The UIS Tornadoes
Why Tornadoes? Can anybody deny the destructive forces tornadoes represent? Do you not remember the Tornadoes of 2006 that ravaged Springfield?

When I think Tornado, I think "FIND SHELTER! WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" When you see your UIS Tornadoes take the court or the soccer field, you will be proud to see them instill fear into the hearts of their opponents.

I sincerely believe that The Tornado is a safe mascot and logo to replace the Prarie Star. Now nobody will be offended AND you get to instill fear.

... WHAT? That's too Offensive? What's wrong with you people? Why can't you be satiated? Fine. Maybe this will work.

EXHIBIT #2: THE UIS PRECIPITATION
Okay, so apparently by calling UIS the "Tornadoes" means that we're being unfair to Rain, Sleet, and Hail. So, I devised a way to appease all those biased towards the weather: The UIS Precipitations.

Rain, Sleet, Snow, Tornadoes, and even Hurricanes, Tsunamis, and Monsoons! We make life less safe for everybody!

Think about it, when it's drizzly outside, you think to yourself... I better take my time around all this Precipitation. It's all a Mind Game!!! Imagine what happens when the UIS Precipitation marches in against The Cougars or whatever...


WHAT? Now it's too generic? Man you guys are really testing my patience. Okay, how about this? Yes... This fits Springfield, our beloved hub of politicians to the tee:


Exhibit 3: The UIS Corruption

Why yes, our Land of Lincoln is famous for its corruption and politicians with their own agenda! Why not celebrate our days of political in-fighting by splitting our arena into two sections: The Left Wing and The Right Wing! That way we can all chant: LEFT WING SUCKS! RIGHT WING SUCKS!

Half time can be celebrated with a guy in a police costume chasing down a criminal in a suit... much like Carmen SanDiego!

Brilliant! Yes, this most definitely will work, and I will submit this to our campus leadership!




Okay... Okay... you don't have to tell me. I know that logo will never pass. So, let's find something tame and historic... Something to instill pride... hmm... Springfield... Pride... Oh. I got it.

EXHIBIT 4: The UIS STOVEPIPE HATS

In an effort to appease history, pride, and tradition, I give to you The Fighting Stovepipe Hats!

Lincoln, Springfield's Son, never gave up, and neither will we! We are UIS! We are strong, and we will fight to the bitter end! No matter if we lose, we will not pack it in!

I believe with this last idea that we will have enough logos and mascot ideas to fully represent our school with pride.

I really would appreciate your comments on this, and remember,
GO STOVEPIPE HATS!